Throughout life I have struggled to understand who I am, or how I belong in the world. I have survived long time suicidal ideation; believing the world and those around me would be better off without me, despite what appears to be a successful ‘normal’ life.
I will never forget the taste and feel of the cold metal in my mouth, and my hand on the trigger of the shotgun, when my wife found me in our closet, a year into our marriage.
Life was wonderful in many ways: newly married, forming a family, a beautiful new home in the country and good careers. It was not the first time I had been within a split second of ending my life though; but I swore to myself, I would never feel this way again.
Had I succeeded, everyone would have wondered why; but life’s challenges are often way more complicated than what even those close to us or even ourselves, see or understand.
For years I focused on my family whom I truly love and the life we were building. I buried the doubts or questions of who I was – including my gender. I was living a long period of relatively good mental and emotional health; but I knew I still never felt fully right or that I belonged.
Not long after a cross country move and significant life changes, my mind and emotions were increasingly questioning who I really was and the stress and discomfort with who I was. Myself within my body had become too great.
I finally had to know once and for all. With one last complete experiment, I thought – no I was positive – I could fix myself and my identity. I was convinced I would be so disgusted that my long looming gender question would be answered – that without a doubt I was in-fact a very masculine man as I had been living my entire life. I was positive my desire to be and feel feminine would go away.
Little did I know or suspect how wrong I would be. After weeks of planning, it was the day of my experiment.
Instantly after transforming my appearance – I felt amazing – like I had never felt before. My smile was automatic, and I felt complete, happy, and confident in a way that I had not experienced.
During the coming weeks and months my desire to know this side of me grew. Slowly at first and then much more rapidly as I began to explore and learn and love this new(side) me.
About eight months later, sitting afraid, embarrassed and excited in a plastic surgeon’s office – I was discussing the possibility of transition. It was then that I realized I needed help, so I sought out counseling.
I felt like I was given a death sentence, when I was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria in late 2021 and confirmed in early 2022. It should not have been a shock particularly given my recent visit to the surgeon and the emotional roller coaster my life had become as I toggled between my masculine and feminine selves.
Prior to my diagnosis, significant suicidal ideation had begun again, I was convinced my family and loved ones, would be better without me in the world. I was also experiencing the challenges of learning and accepting who I was, in secrecy because of being afraid and not feeling safe to share with family and friends.
To find a newfound love of who was looking back in the mirror in a way I had never felt, but knowing it changes everything in my life and my loved ones was overwhelming for me. I had become an emotional wreck; I felt like I was on a roller coaster, and my life was spinning out of control. Many days I was completely lost and dysfunctional.
I wish I could say that the three years that I have been living with Gender Dysphoria have gotten easier, but the reality is that it has been amazingly painful. It has been full of highs and lows, including extended periods and frequent periods of suicidal ideation, having to intervene to protect myself on several occasions, within seconds of taking my own life.
Yet, I have also come to love all of myself more and accept all of me more, which in ways has made it even harder. I have found myself living a dual life and moving closer and closer to transitioning or at least being much more comfortable with my dual gender life.
The stress and exhaustion of living a dual life and lying to or deceiving the people I love the most broke me in early 2024. I cracked, blurting out to my wife in an argument about what I was dealing with. Unfairly to her, I turned our world upside down, increasing my suicidal ideation for a period as well.
She has been incredible in her processing and not giving up; but we have a very hard time discussing it, and she understandably wants the masculine me that she fell in love with.
Fortunately, I found a therapist that has been walking slowly with me at my pace. The benefits for me have been enormous in learning to love and accept me for me. My first two therapists wanted to rapidly start the standard protocol of care, hormone replacement therapy (HRT) which I have not been ready for.
I have also found a few safe spaces and an increasing number of people whom I have been able to ‘come out’ to and can also turn to, while trying to understand who I am. But yes, like many, I have also experienced significant rejection, hate, and lots of fear as well.
In ways my dysphoria has lessened with time as my acceptance of me has grown; but it has also worsened because of the degree to which I am living a bi-gendered, dual life largely in secrecy.
The last few years myself, therapist, and doctor have focused on my safety and emotional well-being as I continue to try to resolve what life will be for me moving forward. Based on several factors, transition is not something I have pursued thus far, so, we have focused on keeping me alive and safe, given my resistance to physical transition and living full time as the amazing trans woman that Steph has become.
While there are similarities in the feelings, experiences, and journeys of most trans people I have spoken to or learned about, each has a unique journey. You may be saying, yes, I can so relate. None of us asked to be trans, and it is not a choice as we know.
For those of us who suffer with gender dysphoria our journeys are often both terrifying and amazing; so mechanisms and skills to care for ourselves are critical.
So far through my journey, I have learned a combination of protective and coping techniques or practices that keep me safe from myself, and more importantly or significantly continue to help me love all of me. Some of them are quite simple, some a little harder, but all do the same thing. They redirect my mind away from the suicidal ideation and risk of self-harm when I am going through the low lows of a dysphoric cycle of highs and lows for me.
Fortunately for me over the last few years, these lows, despite sometimes being frequent, are now typically very short in duration, and recently have been lessening in duration. The key for this for me has been the learning to love all of me. I have stopped asking why me nearly as much, and I have much more hope than before, and I know the world is a better place with all of me!
Finding ways to redirect my mind and emotions has worked very well to shorten and ease the pain of the dysphoric cycle.
It is important to note the following ideas have worked well for me in my journey; I am not a doctor, and they may or may not be scientifically supported. They are ideas that may help you or a loved one who struggles with gender dysphoria and its lows, or anyone who is struggling with thoughts of taking their own life or struggling with believing they are not enough. Because we are all enough and we are all worthy of LOVE and LOVING!!!
Call SUICIDE HOTLINE
It is one of the harder and scarier things I have done but ultimately way easier than I expected, and it stopped the spiral when I needed it the most.
I cannot stress enough how keeping the number in your phone may just save you or someone you love. Program it now if you do not have it already. Like 911 it’s fast and easy to dial: 988
Phone or Text a Friend
We often like to think we are all alone, but we really are not. We all have someone no matter where we are on our journey that will be there for us. I cannot tell you how many times I have sent my cousin an ‘I need a hug’ or such text, and boom she is there for me even hundreds of miles away.
Even just sending a text that makes you smile a bit or changes your focus slightly will make a world of difference. Sometimes it’s just even sending the heart emoji- because guess what…you will likely be getting one right back.
You do not have to share what is going on, just distract your mind.
Long Hot Showers – not baths
As a kid at night, I would sit on the shore of Lake Michigan, and the calm rhythmic nature of the waves was soothing and carried my troubles away.
The hot water of the shower provides warmth and comfort and washes the pain down the drain, and yes is my favorite place to break down and have a good cry which we all need sometimes.
Thumb or Ear Rubbing
Over the tip of the index and middle finger or the web between the other thumb and index finger, or the bottom of the ear lobe.
Both work great in the moment to discreetly relieve stress, anxiety, and ease the mind anytime and anywhere.
You can even get worry or rubbing stones if you wish.
Exercise briefly
You do not have to be an athlete or workout junkie; but do something, a short walk, a few pushups, or anything that causes you to shift focus away from the mind to exerting your body for a little bit.
Interrupting the mind and distracting the thought cycles, allows you to take a breath and recompose, and there are proven biochemistry benefits. Even at work, take a quick break, get up and walk around and then resume what you were doing.
Photo Gallery
I love my hidden gallery on my phone; I keep photos of me that I love. A quick peak is all it often takes to remind myself that as hard as this is, that I am happy, and I love myself.
This is especially true on days when I am not Steph and helps carry me through consecutive days without her.
The power of what I would call photo therapy I believe is massive and is another subject all together.
Journaling/Love Notes
I used to do more journaling but admittedly it became a bit too much for me personally. Instead, I have shifted to short Love Notes.
There are no wrong or right ways except for one thing: when you are in a difficult time as hard as it is; always always always focus on positivity. (You can journal the hard for your records later)
Love Notes are my new go to and can be even just a sentence.
Start with…one of the things I love about myself is… or I love the way I … If you want to keep them in a journal book or as a note or card to yourself.
Retail Therapy
Ok be honest…who does not like a gift? It may be why I have so many boots and so much lingerie.
I recommend saving up a retail therapy fund, so you do not run up your credit cards. It is ok to sometimes get something that makes you feel good or brings you joy. Research studies have proven this too. How we look and feel boosts our confidence and self-esteem.
Or maybe it is something you have wanted for a hobby or such and sparks your enthusiasm. What I find is, again, it distracts my negative thoughts with positive ones and gives me something I am excited about and looking forward to getting.
Crossovers Reminders
Finding ways that merge both sides of me even when I cannot be who I want to have been very helpful. For me it’s little things such as several bangles that I can always wear and create no question or suspicions. For many, painting their nails or wearing more gender-neutral clothing, or underdressing are helpful. In some ways it is easier and easier to do this in todays day and age.
There is no set right or wrong but identify what you can do that connects you to your preferred self even when you cannot be.
Jam Your Music and Dance
I have a feel-good playlist of songs that just make me revel in and celebrate me. Regardless of what type of music you like you can make a playlist that will lift you up. (one rule - they have to be uplifting songs)
Yes, I admit mine often get me dancing too. Mine is a range of music from the Moulin Rouge and Greatest Showman Soundtracks, Lady Gaga, Elton John, Soundtrack, and for me I must have Dua Lipa. (If you saw me in my masculine life, you would probably never guess those artists.)
Daydream – I do it all the time!! What better way when the world feels like it is caving in, then to intentionally daydream.
Close your eyes and imagine that person and the world that you want. Yes, mine often includes my camera, and thigh high boots and creating amazing portraits while I look fabulous.
Even though it may feel distant or impossible at the current moment, envisioning it helps focus the mind on the possible and the beauty and not the pain of the moment.
Look up and ask God to make the pain a little less.
I understand some may have just stopped at the thought of asking God for help, but regardless of your beliefs in or about God, it is a redirect of your focus and attention.
Even blame him or be angry with him – he can surely take it. Or replace God with whomever or whatever you want.
It is the looking past ourselves and asking for help that starts to bring calming feelings.
Raising our hand and saying I am hurting is the first step to healing
